


spin my world into chaos

by Magefeathers



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, An Excess of Foreplay, Angst, Begging, Cunnilingus, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, POV Second Person, Penis In Vagina Sex, Pining, Present Tense, Ray Route Day 9, Reader-Insert, Safe Sane and Consensual, Sexual Tension, Vaginal Fingering, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-17 23:09:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16105709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magefeathers/pseuds/Magefeathers
Summary: Stand-alone Saeran/Reader fic, takes place on Day 9 of Ray's route.And you might be wrong, you might be misreading the situation, but you can’t help but think that maybe he hadn’t truly hurt you yet because he didn’t truly want to hurt you. He wanted to feel strong, feel superior, but it wasn’t worth physically harming you, was it?“I’m Ray, you stupid toy!”he shouts, and the suddenness of it startles you, but his words cement your conviction.“Treat me like Ray, will you?”He’s leaning over your bed, pinning you in place, face inches from your own, practically begging you to kiss him… but he isn’t kissing you. He has every advantage, every upper hand, and he could easily take from you whatever he wanted, but he takes nothing. He wantsyouto kisshim.As much as he wants to feel strong, he wants to feel loved even more.





	1. let yourself enjoy me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to part one of my self-indulgent rewrite of Day 9 of Ray's route! As with my other canon divergent fic, dialogue that's in italics is taken directly from the game, and therefore I claim no ownership of those lines!
> 
> It's so weird not to have to stress to y'all to read the tags, for once in my life... this is so very, very vanilla compared to the other Saeran smut I've written, lmao. I hope everyone enjoys it!

You can hear his angry footsteps coming down the hallway well before he reaches your room. Saeran had said in the chatroom that he was going to _‘play a different trick’_ on you tonight, and as brave as you had tried to be thus far, you were frightened of what he might have in store. You pull the blankets over your head, burrowing deeper into your bed, knowing full well that Saeran won’t believe you’ve fallen asleep so quickly.

Your bedroom door slams open, and you flinch beneath your blankets.

 _“Princess, Ray’s face is here.”_ Saeran calls mockingly. _“Rise up and welcome me, will you? I know you want to see your prince’s face.”_

You stay as still as you can manage, eyes clenched shut under the cover of your bedding, hoping Saeran will believe your ruse and give up, although you know deep down that it won’t be that easy. You hear his footsteps again as he approaches your bed.

 _“Don’t pretend to be asleep,”_ he says, his tone threatening. _“I saw you flinching. Are you tired of Ray already?”_ He pauses a moment, giving you the chance to reveal yourself and respond, but you stick to your act. He laughs at your lack of rebuttal. _“I thought your love for Ray was real.”_ His voice lowers, losing its edge. He sounds almost disappointed now - yet another of the many hints that Ray is still in there somewhere, still caring for you. _“You betray him in mere days.”_

Your heart aches, and your desire to assure Ray - however deep he’s buried under this persona of bravado and false confidence - that you still care for him outweighs your fear of what Saeran might do to you. _“Don’t mock me…”_ you finally speak, rolling over and peering up at Saeran through your shield of blankets.

Saeran lets out another laugh, delighted that you’re finally playing along. _“That’s right! You should keep loving him,”_ he croons as he comes closer still, until he’s standing at your bedside, hovering over you. _“It turns out losers won’t let go of their feelings so easily.”_

You try to squirm away as Saeran leans over you, but he traps you in place by planting one hand against your bed on either side of you. With nowhere else to go, you sit up, putting yourself closer to Saeran’s level, rather than allowing him to maintain the upper hand by looming over you. His face is mere inches away, his eyes boring into your own.

 _“Look at me,”_ he whispers, as if there is anywhere else you can look when he’s this close. You hold his gaze, trying to exhibit more confidence than you feel. _“Here’s Ray’s face. The face you love so much.”_ His eyes flit searchingly across your features. _“Isn’t there a list of things you want to do to him? Like a kiss...”_

Your eyes widen. This definitely isn’t where you thought this would be going.

 _“What were you thinking?”_ Saeran asks with a devilish grin, noticing your surprise. _“Where did you let those stupid imaginations of yours take you?”_

His voice is low and husky now, and you can’t deny the effect its sound and his close proximity are having on you. Your heart hammers in your chest, your cheeks flushing. You avert your eyes. 

_“What? Are you too shy to tell me?”_ he asks with a laugh, the cruelty seeping back into his voice. _“You’re a toy. You shouldn’t be feeling shy…”_

You do your best to block out his words as Saeran continues to speak, repeating the same insults and threats he had been throwing at you for the past two days, ever since Ray had been ‘cleansed.’ You had been lucky so far that his words were the only things he had used to try and hurt you; you know that words can only hurt as much as you let them. And as much as it did pain you to hear the voice of the kind, tenderhearted man you had fallen so quickly for to be spewing such hateful things at you, you were able to steel yourself, remind yourself that there was no truth to his insults, and that he was only trying to make himself feel better by tearing you down. Even if you couldn’t help the fear that bubbled up in you when he raised his voice and crowded into your space, you would never give him the satisfaction of seeing you crumble. 

Suddenly, Saeran leans in closer, but all threat is gone from his voice. You tune back into his words just in time to hear him breathe against your ear, _“I’ll pretend to be Ray. So do that thing again.”_

Your breath hitches and time stands still. He can’t be talking about what you think he’s talking about, can he? Saeran floods your senses. All you can see is the side of his face, his unkempt hair in your eyes; all you can feel is his chest against yours, his breath on your neck and the shell of your ear; all you can smell is the floral scents of Ray’s shampoo and body wash, and the powerful musk of the cologne Saeran had undoubtedly hoped would overpower them. You wonder if Saeran can hear how fast your heart is pounding as he confirms your suspicions.

_“You know, what you did in the garden. Come on.”_

He pulls back just slightly, his eyes lingering on your lips as your mind kicks into overdrive. He really is asking you to kiss him. You wonder if this is another cruel joke, like when he had called and told you that he would tell you the way out of Magenta - only to give you directions to the dungeon. But pieces are starting to fall into place, and you can’t help but think he’s serious this time.

You had known all along that he was only tormenting you to make himself feel more powerful - with the way Ray had spoken of how weak and useless he was, it made sense that this more aggressive persona would try to prove those insecurities wrong - and you assumed it was his Savior’s insistence that you were still necessary that kept him from harming you physically, but… what if you had been wrong? You had thought yourself lucky that he hadn’t tried to hurt you with anything more than his words, but what if it wasn’t just luck?

As you sit frozen before him, sorting through your thoughts, Saeran grows impatient. _“If you waste more time, something no fun at all will take place,”_ he warns.

And you might be wrong, you might be misreading the situation, but you can’t help but think that maybe he hadn’t truly hurt you yet because he didn’t truly want to hurt you. He wanted to feel strong, feel superior, but it wasn’t worth physically harming you, was it?

 _“I’m Ray, you stupid toy!”_ he shouts, and the suddenness of it startles you, but his words cement your conviction. _“Treat me like Ray, will you?”_

He’s leaning over your bed, pinning you in place, face inches from your own, practically begging you to kiss him… but he isn’t kissing you. He has every advantage, every upper hand, and he could easily take from you whatever he wanted, but he takes nothing. He wants _you_ to kiss _him_.

As much as he wants to feel strong, he wants to feel loved even more.

You smirk up at him, and pray you aren’t wrong. “Saeran~,” you draw his name out, teasing. “If all you wanted was a kiss, you could have just asked.” 

“Why would I want a kiss from a bug like you?” Saeran sneers at you, baring his teeth. “Even if I did want to kiss you, why would I have to ask? You’re my toy, I’ll do whatever I want to you!”

You try your hardest not to flinch as he shouts in your face. “I wondered that, too,” you admit. “The only answer I could think of… is that you’re jealous of Ray.”

“Me? Jealous of that useless skeleton?” Saeran’s voice is manic, and he laughs in your face at the suggestion. “What kind of idiotic thoughts do you get in that head of yours?”

“You keep talking about how weak Ray is and how strong you are, but you also keep saying that Ray is the one I love.” Saeran narrows his eyes, but doesn’t respond. You steel yourself, force yourself to continue. “You think you need to pretend to be Ray to get me to like you, but... you’re wrong.”

Saeran huffs out a laugh of disbelief. “You’re saying you like me? After all I’ve done to you?” He cocks his head to the side with a menacing grin. “You’re an even bigger moron than I thought you were.”

You shift your eyes downward, breaking away from his gaze. “Maybe I am,” you agree softly. You bite at the inside of your cheek, building up your confidence, and when you meet his eyes again there’s determination in your own. “But that doesn’t change anything. I know you and Ray are one and the same - you’re one person, and I like all of you.”

Anger flares in Saeran’s eyes, and your stomach churns with the fear that you might have been wrong after all. 

“What are you doing?” he demands, his hands flying to your shoulders and shaking you against the headboard. “You’re trying to trick me! Do you think you’re smarter than me?” Your eyes widen as you realize the source of his anger. “Answer me, you airhead!”

“I’m telling the truth!” You finally raise your voice, shouting back in his face just as he had been doing to you. It catches him off guard just enough that he loosens his grip on your shoulders. You sit up a little straighter. “I like you too, Saeran,” you tell him, your voice steady, your eyes locked with his. “If you don’t believe me, then I’ll prove it to you.” 

With that, you proceed to do what he’d wanted you to all along. You raise your hands to his face, cradling it, gently pulling him towards you. Only then does he surge forward, crashing his lips into your own. His fingers tighten around your shoulders again as his mouth moves over yours. The kiss is aggressive, too much teeth and too-hard presses of lips, but you don’t mind. You card the fingers of one hand through his unkempt hair as your other hand cups his cheek gently, pliantly moving your lips along with his frenzied movements, letting him dominate the exchange.

Little by little, his grip on you loosens. The pace of the kiss slows. You use the hand on his cheek to tilt his head into a better position, parting your lips as you deepen the kiss more gently than he had been trying to. Saeran’s tongue sweeps over your bottom lip, glides against your own, and you moan into his mouth. You wind your arms around his neck as you map each other’s mouths, pulling him closer. The bed beneath you dips with his weight as he finally sits down beside you. His hands slip down your torso, wrap around your waist, holding onto you tightly.

You barely register the burning in your lungs until Saeran finally pulls back, the pair of you panting against each other’s lips as he presses his forehead to yours. You open your heavy eyes to find Saeran’s are still closed, the slight sheen of tears streaking his cheeks. You bring one hand back to cup his face, thumb brushing over his cheek to wipe the tear tracks away.

“Ray..?” you ask hesitantly. His breath hitches, sounding almost like a sob between his gasps for air. He shakes his head slightly, still refusing to open his eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks on the last word, and then he does let out a sob. You cradle his face in both hands, pressing a chaste kiss to his quivering lips. “Don’t…” he breathes out the word even as he returns your peck. “Don’t forgive me. Even if you do, I could never forgive myself.” 

“Ray.” You call his name as softly, as sweetly, as you can manage. “Look at me.” He shakes his head again, letting out another stifled sob, his eyes squeezing shut even tighter. “Please,” you press.

His arms tighten around your middle, and then he grudgingly pulls his face away from yours, his eyes finally opening to meet your gaze.

“I’m okay, Ray,” you tell him, a genuine smile gracing your face for the first time in days. “I’m just glad you’re okay too.” You wind your arms around his neck, hugging him close.

“No,” he protests weakly, despite hugging you back just as tightly. “I’ve hurt you. I’ve done and said terrible things.” He buries his face in the crook of your neck, speaking into your skin. “You should push me away. You should throw me aside and run away from this place, before he comes back.”

“Shh,” you soothe, adjusting yourself so that you can rub your hands over his back, trying to ease his tension away. “I’m not hurt, Ray. I _am_ hungry,” you add with a laugh, but Ray doesn’t reciprocate. You continue in a more serious, but still gentle, manner. “You did say some awful things, but you never hurt me. That’s how I knew you were still in there.”

“You don’t understand,” Ray insists, earnest, pulling himself out of your hold. “I had to hear every terrible, filthy thought he had about you.” He grips your shoulders, holding you at arm's length, teary mint eyes boring into your own. “All the things he thought about doing to you, I had to picture… that was why I had to come back.”

He averts his eyes, a blush creeping up on his cheeks. “Even now, he’s making me picture such dirty things… Seeing you like this… in your nightdress, in your bed… It makes those thoughts so loud.”

You feel your own cheeks heat as you realize Ray almost definitely isn’t talking about Saeran torturing you. Your eyes travel down his frame, landing in his lap, and your suspicions are confirmed by the bulge you find there. Hesitantly, you reach for him, setting your hand on his upper thigh. He flinches at the contact, his eyes flashing to your hand, then back up to your face.

“I don’t think those thoughts you’re having are as filthy as you think they are,” you assure him, lightly squeezing his leg. “I think the thoughts you’re having are natural for seeing the person you like in this sort of situation.” 

Ray’s mouth opens and closes, searching for words, as his cheeks grow pinker by the second. You smile at him, rubbing your hand up and down his thigh. “It’s okay,” you promise, leaning in to press another kiss to his lips. “It’s not something terrible if it’s something we both want."

The tips of your fingers graze his erection, and Ray shoots from the bed.

“No, no, I can’t, I can’t do that to you,” he trips over his words as he stands, putting distance between the two of you. You grab for his hand before he can move too far, holding him at your bedside.

“Ray, wait,” you urge, sorrow in your eyes as his flushed face pointedly looks anywhere except down at you. “If you don’t _want_ to do it, then that’s okay,” you tell him, and his frame relaxes the slightest bit. “But I don’t want you to feel like you _can’t_ do it because it’s bad or wrong. It’s perfectly okay.”

Ray shakes his head furiously, still refusing to look at you. “No, it is bad, it’s - for _me_ \- It’s bad enough that I kissed you, I can’t soil your body with mine any further.”

He tries to pull away, but you hold tight to his hand. “You wouldn’t be soiling me, Ray, you’d be making me feel good. We’d be making each other feel good.” You lean to the side, trying to force yourself into his field of vision. He doesn’t acknowledge that he sees you, but he doesn’t try to pull away either. You smile at him.

“I want to make you feel good, Ray… Saeran.” His eyes widen a fraction at his other half’s name. “Please, let yourself enjoy this.” You bite your lip, hesitating, before you pull his hand toward you, resting it on your chest, just above your breast. You can see the panic growing in his expression again as his eyes dart to where your hand sits atop his, flicking down at your bosom before steadying on your face. You pull your hand away from his, leaving it there. He makes no move to retract it.

“Let yourself enjoy _me_ ,” you coax one final time, before planting your hands on the bed behind you and leaning your weight onto them, leaving your body open for Ray to explore as he wishes. His eyes travel down your form, taking in what he can see of you before your lower half disappears under the covers, then his gaze slips back up to your breasts. The neckline of your nightgown doesn’t leave much to the imagination. You feel his fingers tense over your chest, not quite squeezing, before his hand finally starts to slip lower. 

His palm is almost covering your breast when he whispers, “I’m sorry,” and bolts from the room before you can stop him again.

“Ray!” You try to call after him, but he’s already gone, the door slamming shut in his wake. You sigh emphatically, sliding back down into your bed.

Your lips are still sore from Saeran’s aggressive kiss, and your skin tingles in all the places he’d touched you. Your thighs squeeze together, alerting you to the desire that had gathered in your core. This encounter may have started off frightening, but by the end of it you were really hoping that you and Ray - you and _Saeran_ \- would be taking the next step. 

With a shaky breath, you glance around the room, wondering where Saeran had installed the camera, and if he had really only installed one. He’d made you wait in the hall while the work was being done, so you wouldn’t know where the blind spots were, but you imagine he must have given himself a good view of your bed. A blush rises to your cheeks as you kick the blankets away, slipping a hand between your legs, and hoping that Ray will see just how badly you’d wanted him to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed part one! Part two will be coming along very soon~ And that's where all the smut will be... hehehe
> 
> If you did enjoy it, please leave a comment letting me know!! Literally nothing inspires me to keep writing more than readers' comments!


	2. escape this chaos

When Saeran returns to the chatroom, he’s furious. He accuses you of bringing Ray back on purpose, of lying to him and tricking him, just like everyone else. No matter how much you assure him that you hadn’t meant to, that you had indeed meant what you said when you told him you cared for them both, he won’t hear your words. He’s hurt, you can tell; his sense of self worth is so low, but he’d still let himself believe you wanted him, and now he thinks you’ve used him. So, you tell him the only thing you can think to: _Come back and see me, I’ll prove it to you._

That, of course, only serves to agitate him more, setting him off on another rant about how you’re just going to pull Ray out again, you’re just going to manipulate him again, you’re just lying again. He leaves the chat room after that, but you know you’ve planted the seed in his mind. He wants you to love him. He wants to believe you. And hopefully, deep down, he knows you’re telling the truth. 

Sure enough, he does try to come see you, although Rika’s set believers outside your room to stop him from visiting you. After a few confrontations, however, he gets his way, and makes it into your room… and he’s in the worst state you’ve ever seen him. His eyes are frenzied, his volume never dips below a shriek, and he seems to be hearing things that you aren’t saying. The more you try to calm him, the more inconsolable he grows, until finally he’s grabbing you by the arms, threatening to kill you right then and there.

It shocks you, because it’s the first time he’s used that word - _kill_ \- rather than just saying he’s going to throw you away. As much as you try to remind yourself that he hasn’t actually hurt you yet, and assure yourself that he doesn’t really want to hurt you, it’s hard not to let the terror show in your eyes when you hear that word. But that’s when you realize, he has the same look in his eyes. He’s trembling, he’s terrified, and you have no idea of what, but you want so badly to take that fear away from him. 

_“But, to me…”_ you whisper, keeping your voice as non-threatening as possible, _“it seems like you’re falling apart from within.”_

You want so badly for the both of you to let your fears go, and to just be happy. Together.

_“Shut up!”_ he shouts, the fear in his eyes growing. _“That’s not true! What do you know about me? I’m strong within! I’ll never fall apart!”_

Despite his words, you know that’s exactly what this is - he’s falling apart, right in front of you, and he must know it, too; that must be why he’s so scared. You listen to him ramble, his voice borderline delusional, about how no one can hurt him, and about how good he feels when he causes you pain, but your heart just breaks for him more and more the more he talks. 

_“You have to keep crying in pain,”_ he insists, staring into your eyes with his own wild gaze. _“You… you have to be tormented by me. You have to be my toy. But then if…”_ He trails off, averting his eyes, and you swear you can see tears forming in them. _“If you’re gone… if you’re dead… This empty feeling I get once I leave your room will never stop!”_

You reach up, gripping his upper arms and giving them a reassuring squeeze. _“You’re strong, Saeran. You don’t have to torture someone to prove that.”_

_“Just who do you think you are? Who do you think you are?!”_ he demands, shaking you by the shoulders, confusion filling his voice and his features. There’s no denying the tears in his eyes now, as he stares you down once more. _“How… how dare you…! You…”_

He drops his hands from your shoulders, shrinking back from you. You try to reach out to him, but he jerks away. 

_“You… you... spin my world into chaos!”_

His voice sounds so broken, weary, beaten down, and you feel your own tears forming as you watch him crumple in on himself before you. His hands grip his head as he cries out in pain, and you move again to try and console him. 

_“My head… it feels like it’ll explode…”_ he cries out, pulling out of your reach once more. _“It hurts… it hurts…! God damn it!”_

He bolts from the room shortly thereafter, and you’re left to collapse onto your bed, emotionally exhausted from the encounter. The tears you’d barely managed to hold back in front of him fall freely now, as you take stock of your situation. Even with all he’s done to you, you have so much love for this man. It kills you to see him in such agony, and you don’t know what you can do to help him. You don’t know if there is anything you can do. You just want to break through to him and help him realize that there’s more to the world than this little hell he’s trapped in.

He says you spin his world into chaos, but does he have any idea the chaos he spins in yours?

You don’t know how long you lay in your bed and cry before you fall asleep, but when you awaken, it’s almost dark. You check your phone and see that you’ve missed a chatroom with Rika - thankfully - and a new chatroom has opened… with Saeran. You open the chat as fast as you can, worried about the state Saeran had been in when he’d left you.

You have no idea what’s happened to him in the meantime, but his mood has changed drastically. He says he’d thrown up for hours, that his mind and body are in ruins, that he wants to empty his body of everything within him, and your heart lurches into your stomach. You comfort him as best you can, offer to help him start over from the beginning, and remind him that you like him, just as much as you like Ray. He calls you weird, tells you that you should hate him, but he doesn’t get angry. He doesn’t call you stupid, or an airhead. He simply continues in his musings, his final words to you being that he wishes someone could wipe his mind clean.

When he leaves the chatroom, he leaves you with a hollow feeling in your chest. You can’t help but worry about him, about what kind of mental state he’s in, about what he might do to himself. Your calls to him yield no answer, and you know the believers stationed outside your room won’t let you leave to look for him, so all you can do is pace your room anxiously, checking your phone far more often than necessary, hoping for some contact from him.

It’s not until you’re getting ready for bed that he finally appears. You don’t see or hear him enter the room, you don’t realize he’s there until the lights flicker off, just as you’re stepping out of the closet after changing into your nightgown. You jump at the sudden darkness, whipping around to look for the source of the change in lighting. Rather than see him, you feel Saeran come up behind you, his hands on your hips, pulling your back flush against his chest.

“Saeran!” you exclaim, relief flooding your body as you recognize the scent of his cologne, and you relax against him.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs against your ear, his chin resting on your shoulder. “I’m not here to hurt you. I’m not going to hurt you anymore.”

His fingertips skate over your silk-clad sides, hesitant, but exploratory. You don’t mind the caresses, but you can’t help but wonder where this boldness has come from, after the events of the past twenty-four hours. 

“Are you Saeran?” you ask, and although you’ve made no move to get away, his hands still. “...Or are you Ray?”

You can feel the tension building in his frame. He shifts back, away from you, just the slightest bit, as he answers with a question of his own. “Does it matter?”

You lean your head back against his shoulder, humming in thought. “Not to me,” you reply. “But Ray… didn’t seem to want this. I don’t want to do anything that part of you doesn’t want.”

Your words encourage him to pull you tighter against him. He turns his head to the side, his lips ghosting the shell of your ear when he speaks. “Do you know what that airhead did, after he left you last night?” He gives you no time to reply before continuing. “He went back to the intelligence room. He opened up the surveillance videos…” His voice drops to a whisper, sending goosebumps erupting down your neck. “He saw what you were doing… and he did the same thing.”

You can’t suppress the shudder that travels down your spine. Saeran’s hands grip at your hips, then slip up your sides, making you squirm in his grasp. “Trust me, princess… Ray and I both want this equally.” 

Saeran presses a kiss to the side of your neck and you tilt your head away, making more room for him to lavish the column of flesh. “If Ray saw... how badly I wanted him… and he wanted me too… why didn’t he come... back to me?” you ask between shaky breaths and soft moans. 

“Ray’s never been good at taking what he wants…” Saeran presses his cheek against your neck as he speaks into your shoulder, and you wish you could see his face, could read his expressions. “He’ll always question himself, whether or not he deserves what he’s given…” His hands continue their exploration of your abdomen, then skirt down the tops of your thighs. “That’s why he has me.”

When his fingers brush the skin beneath the hem of your nightgown you move to turn towards him, but then his hands are gripping your hips again, holding you in place. You crane your neck to shoot him with a quizzical look, but his face is still buried in your shoulder. He takes a deep breath, then straightens himself up. He instead leans his forehead against the back of your head, hiding himself entirely from your view, and speaking his confessions into your hair.

“Ray was meant to be nothing but a ball of faults. All the weakest and most useless parts of myself that I hated, they came together to make Ray. But you… you cared for that weak, useless person.” Another deep breath, this one a little shaky. You cover his hands with your own, smoothing your thumbs over his skin in small circles. “Meanwhile, I… All that was left, when Ray was gone, was supposed to be the best of me. The strongest parts, the parts of myself I could be proud of. But you were terrified of me.”

You bite your lip, unable to deny his claim. As much as you cared for him, as much as you wanted to help him heal, he had indeed frightened you. His grip tightens on your hips in response to your silence. 

“And then, when Ray came back last night… When he saw how I had treated you… He hated me.” He lets out a quiet, humorless laugh. “The weakest part of myself hated the strongest part. And when he hated me I realized that there was no part of myself that I could like. There was no ‘good’ half of me, there were only two bad halves, who both hated each other equally.”

“Saeran…” you mourn the extent of his self-loathing, wishing he would let you turn and face him. He shakes his head slightly, stopping you from continuing.

“But, as much as I hated every part of myself… you still cared for me. For every part of me.” You smile at his words, relieved that your feelings had gotten through to him after all. “Where I saw only faults on both sides, you saw something good in both sides. And I thought, maybe… if you could continue to care for me, even after all you had seen and all I had done… Then there must be some good in me, somewhere, after all.”

The moment you feel his grasp loosen you’re turning to face him, wrapping your arms around his neck as he winds his own around your waist. You pull him down to your level, so that your foreheads are pressed together, and your eyes don’t leave his as you speak.

“There is so much good in you, Saeran.” Your tone leaves no room for argument, and you can see his lips quirk up just the slightest bit, in your peripheral vision. “This place has tried to smother it out of you, twist you into what it needs you to be, but I can see it.” You bite at your lip, moving one hand to cup his cheek. “I want to get you out of here. I want to start over somewhere new, where the good in you can flourish for all to see. For _you_ to see.”

He closes his eyes, lets out a sigh. “How I wish we could do that.”

“We can,” you assure him, using the hand on his cheek to pull him to you, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. 

He sighs again as he pulls back, opens his eyes, and shakes his head. “The savior will do everything in her power to keep me here, but I will do everything in mine to get you out.”

“I’m not leaving without you,” you insist, and he finally, finally smiles. One of his hands comes up to caress your cheek, just as you had done to him.

“If I can leave with you, I will,” he promises. “For now, I don’t want to worry about whether or not we’ll make it out together.” His eyes leave yours, trailing down your body. His other hand slips from where it had been resting against your lower back, down to the curve your ass. “I want to prepare for the worst. I want to spend this night as if it’s going to be our last together.” 

Your breath hitches as his fingers knead the flesh of your backside, and although you don’t condone his pessimistic reasoning, your need for him far outweighs your concerns. You arch your back, pressing your silk-clad breasts flush against his chest, while also pressing your ass back into his grasp. 

“Agreed,” you breathe, before surging forward to capture his lips in a much more heated kiss.

Your fingers tangle in his hair as he wastes no time prodding at your lips with his tongue, begging entrance that you grant easily. He maps out your mouth, both hands now roaming your body, giving your ass another squeeze, pulling your body tighter against his own. Without breaking the kiss you turn, backing yourself against the wall beside the closet door, lifting one leg and slinging it around his hip to hold him close. He leans into the embrace willingly, pinning you to the wall as he greedily explores your mouth with his own. His hips roll against you and you can feel his arousal against your core, drawing a moan from your lips for him to swallow down.

Saeran breaks the kiss first, pulling back just far enough to slide his hands up your sides until he’s cupping your breasts. You let out another soft moan, encouraging him to hook his thumbs under the delicate straps of your nightgown and pull them off your shoulders. You shrug out of the dress readily, pulling your arms from the straps and letting the slip of fabric fall to the floor. Saeran’s breath hitches as he stares down at you adoringly, your body laid bare before him, save for your panties. Hesitant hands skate across your bare flesh, fingers lovingly caressing your hips, your stomach, your sides, and back to your breasts. 

Your nipples stiffen against his palms, his gentle kneading sending a desire for _more_ burning through your body, and you arch into his touch. Saeran’s lips meet your neck, alternating between open mouthed kisses and soft scrapes of teeth while his thumbs roll over your nipples, and he relishes in the sounds his touches pull from you. One of your hands returns to his hair, urging him downward. He chuckles at your insistence but he complies, ducking down to take one pert nipple between his lips.

Your head rolls back against the wall as he alternates between suckling and nipping at the sensitive nub, moans falling freely from your lips. _“Please,”_ you gasp, the hand in his hair tightening its grasp. “Can we _please_ take this to the bed?”

Saeran pulls back from your breast, smirking up at you. “Eager, princess?”

“Absolutely,” you admit readily, and he straightens up, leaning in close. 

You think he’s coming in for another kiss until he bypasses your lips and instead whispers into your ear, “Good. So am I.” 

You let out a whine as Saeran grabs your hand, pulling you away from the wall and leading you back toward the bed. You stop at the edge of the bed, grabbing him by the front of his suit jacket and pulling him against your almost naked body.

“You’re far too overdressed for the occasion,” you murmur, hands sliding down his chest, unbuttoning his jacket as you go, stopping only when your fingers reach his belt. You look up at him with heavy lidded eyes, and when you see the uncertainty in his face you retract your hands, instead opting to wind your arms around his neck and pull him into another brief, but heated, kiss.

“You’re beautiful, Saeran,” you breathe against his lips, reassuring him as you pull away. “I want to see you. I want to feel you.” You grab both of his hands in your own, guiding them to grip your hips once more. “Skin to skin. As close as we can get.”

For a moment, he looks like he’s going to protest, but his desire must get the best of him; you know he wants the exact same thing you do. He smirks, breathes out a threatening laugh, then leans in to speak against your ear, “Be careful what you wish for, princess.”

With that, he pushes you down onto the bed, the suddenness of it knocking the wind out of you when your back hits the blankets. By the time you get your bearings and push yourself up onto your elbows to see him again, Saeran already has his suit jacket off, and is working on his white button-up. You watch with fascination as his deft fingers pop open the buttons effortlessly, and he shrugs the shirt off in no time. When his hands reach his belt buckle they hesitate, and he looks down at you with uncertainty in his gaze once more. You’re preparing yourself to reassure him again, but what he says catches you off guard.

“Once I take these off, I won’t be able to keep myself from you.” Your breath hitches in response to his words, your thighs parting the slightest bit, letting him know he’s welcome between them. “But before that,” he continues, smirking at your display, “there’s something that Ray- something that… I… want to do.”

You tilt your head to the side, confused, but smile at him softly. “You’re both welcome to do whatever you want,” you encourage. Saeran takes a deep, shaky breath, then climbs onto the bed beside you. 

“I’ve never had… this kind of freedom before,” he confesses. With gentle hands he nudges you across the bed until you’re lying comfortably on your back, your head on the pillow. “It’s a bit… intoxicating.” His fingers hook into the waistband of your panties, your last article of clothing, and he meets your eyes as he pulls them down your legs. Once you’re completely bare before him he takes a moment to take in the sight, gazing upon you in such a loving way that your mind can feel no insecurity, only return his adoration. 

He coaxes you to bend your knees, planting your feet on the bed, and you spread them widely for him. His cheeks flush with a mixture of embarrassment and excitement as he lowers himself to the bed between your legs, and desire burns through you as you realize exactly what he wants to do. He sidles in close, his fingers wrapping around the tops your thighs, massaging the flesh, and you can feel his breath on your core. You whine with need, and he lifts his head to smirk up your body at you. 

“The princess sure is needy,” he comments, and you nod your head enthusiastically against the pillows.

“God, _yes_ , Saeran,” you moan, lifting your hips from the bed, whining when he uses his grip on your thighs to force you back down. “I need you, please!”

You feel his lips against your folds before you even realize that he’s ducked back down, and you can’t stifle your cry of pleasure at the sudden stimulation. His tongue moves slowly, experimentally, tracing your slit, circling your clit, dipping into your entrance, and all you can do is moan and write beneath him, stuttering out half-coherent pleas for more. With your encouragement he grows bolder, licking with more pressure, wrapping his lips around your clit and sucking lightly, causing your hips to buck against his face as you gasp and whine. He moans into your cunt, and the vibrations send your hands flying into his hair, holding on for dear life as he devours your core with increasing fervor.

One of his hands slips from your thigh and then you feel a single finger prodding at your soaked entrance, easing itself into your body as Saeran’s mouth focuses on your clit, alternating between gentle flicks with the tip of his tongue and hard presses with the flat of it. The added stimulation of penetration has you practically grinding your hips against him, a constant string of moans and cries of his name falling from your lips, and you know you can’t last long like this. Your hands leave his hair, elbows digging into the mattress to push yourself up so you can look down at him.

“Saeran… Ray…” you call, trying to get his attention. His eyes open, glancing up at you, his mouth not stopping its ministrations. A pleasured shudder runs down your spine at the sight. “Please, I can’t! I’m, I’m gonna…!” You can’t finish the sentence, your head rolling back as you moan through the pleasure he provides. 

Saeran mercifully lifts his head, leaning his cheek against the inside of your thigh, though his finger continues to pump into you. You look back down at him just in time to see him licking his lips, already wet with your essence. His eyes are dark, that hint of a threat that had been shining in them for the past three days having returned. 

“It was my understanding that women could orgasm multiple times in a row,” he says, voice low and husky, and your cheeks flare red at the implication. You feel a second finger slip easily into your cunt. “I intend to find out for myself.”

With that, his mouth is on your clit again, sucking at the sensitive nub, and the shock of pleasure sends you falling back to the mattress, fingers fisting white-knuckled in the bedspread as you cry out. The hand that was still gripping your thigh slides beneath you, cupping your ass and pulling you up into his mouth, encouraging you to grind yourself against his face and fingers. He moans against your core as you comply, sending even more pleasure through your overstimulated body, and in no time at all you’re convulsing against him, thighs squeezing his head as he continues to lick and finger you through your orgasm.

As soon as your body goes limp against the mattress he’s climbing up your form, slotting his hips between your legs as his mouth crashes into yours. He grinds his clothed erection against your sensitive cunt and you whine against his lips, twitching at the pressure even as you cant your hips up toward him for more. You wrap your legs around his waist, holding him close as his hands return to your breasts. He pinches your nipples gently, rolling them between his thumbs and forefingers, and you moan into the kiss. All too soon, however, his lips leave yours.

“Are you ready for me?” he asks breathily, still rolling his hips against your own. You struggle to find coherent words to reply with through the haze of your arousal. 

“Yes, yes, _please_ yes!” you beg, and quick as a flash he’s pulling back from you, extracting himself from your legs so he can remove his pants and underwear, kicking them off the edge of the bed. You don’t get the chance to admire his nudity the way he did yours - he’s too fast to reposition himself between your legs - but you can feel the head of his cock sliding between your wet folds, and your head rolls back against the pillows at the sensation.

“I think I like… hearing you beg,” Saeran admits, and when you meet his eyes again they have that same dark gleam from before. It sends a chill down your spine. “Will you do it some more? For me, princess?” He shifts his hips, and now the shaft of his cock is nestled between your labia; not inside, just teasing every nerve ending you have.

_“Saeran,”_ you whine, pressing your hips up against the pressure of his length. “Please, Saeran, I want you, I _need_ you!”

He leans down, rolling his hips against yours, his cock sliding through your slickness, but never into you. “I’m right here, princess,” he whispers into your ear, and you can hear the smirk in his voice. “What more could you want?” You moan in response, your arms wrapping around his waist, hands grasping at his ass.

“I want you inside of me,” you clarify, using your grip on his ass to pull his hips closer to your own, drawing a breathy moan from him. “I need you inside of me. Fuck me, Saeran, please!”

It’s Saeran’s turn to whine, his breath hot against your neck as he nibbles on the spot just below your jaw. He pulls his hips back, reaching a hand between the two of you to reposition his cock, and with one quick stroke he’s buried inside of you. Your head rolls back as you let out a long, appreciative moan at the feeling of finally being filled. Saeran moans quietly against your skin, his face still buried in your neck. One of his hands grips at your hip, holding your body against his as the two of you adjust to the pleasure.

“I’ve wanted this… for so long,” he whispers, voice almost lost between his heavy breaths. “Ever since I first saw you, I’ve selfishly dreamt of having you like this.”

You smile, turning your head to press a kiss into his hair. One of your hands slips up his back, resting on the back of his neck, your thumb smoothing over his skin. “So have I,” you admit. “But you have me now, Saeran… You can be selfish.”

He takes a deep breath, then seems to press his face even harder to the side of your neck. “It feels so good, inside you… I don’t think… I can last long.” You realize then that, although he’s been hiding it well, Saeran must be just as affected by all of your activities as you’ve been. You stroke his hair soothingly, reassuring him. 

“You could come right now and this night will still have been wonderful for me,” you say with a laugh. Hesitantly, Saeran lifts his head up and meets your eyes. You smile at him, then pull him in for a kiss. 

Your lips move against each other slowly, your tongue swiping at Saeran’s bottom lip, and his poking out to meet it. As the kiss deepens, Saeran pulls out of you, pushing back in just as slowly. He continues in the same rhythm, both hips and mouths moving together at agonizing paces, making every moment feel longer, every sensation feel multiplied. Saeran moans into your mouth when you roll your hips up to meet his. The hand on your hip tightens its grip as his other hand tangles in your hair.

Saeran breaks the kiss, leaving both of you panting, and his thrusts start to come faster. You cry out at the suddenness of his increase in speed, both of your hands returning to their position on his ass, pulling him into each thrust even as you continue to roll your hips up to meet him. Saeran curses, his pace stuttering for a moment, but he picks back up with renewed vigor and a breathy moan of your name. 

The hand he’d had in your hair slips down your neck, your shoulder, cupping your breast and massaging gently. You arch your back, pressing up into his hand when his fingers find your nipple, rolling it between them once more.

_“Saeran,”_ you moan, nails digging into the flesh of his ass, trying to pull him even closer. The hand on your hip skates across your stomach, gentle fingers ghosting over your skin, raising goosebumps in their wake. His fingers splay out over your lower abdomen, while his thumb dips between your folds and rubs at your clit, in just the way that makes your toes curl and your back arch even further. Saeran’s thrusts are growing sloppy, his breaths fast and stuttering above you. His fingers continue to work at your most sensitive parts as he buries himself fully inside you, grinding against you without pulling out, and that fullness is what finally pushes you over the edge for the second time.

Between your inner walls fluttering around his cock and your pleasured cries of his name, Saeran can’t help but tumble right off the precipice alongside you. His hands move to grip your sides, holding onto you for dear life as he convulses above you, spilling his pleasure into your body just as his lips spill moans of your name into the air. When you’re both spent, Saeran collapses onto the bed beside you. You roll onto your side, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him in close, and he returns the gesture.

The two of you lay there, running gentle fingers over each other’s bodies, pressing chaste kisses to each other’s faces, until your breaths come slower and your sweaty skin has all but dried. That’s when the chill of the night air gets to you, and you reach behind you to tug the blankets over your naked bodies. Saeran sighs in response, squeezing you tightly.

“I never want this moment to end,” he murmurs into the darkness, his eyes closed as he leans his forehead against your own. “I never want to leave your side again… but the longer I stay here, the more likely the Savior will find me.”

“I know,” you answer, although you’re also loathe to see him go. One of your hands moves to cup his cheek, and you press a quick kiss to his lips. “Just… promise me our first time together won’t be our last. Promise me we’ll both make it out of here.”

Saeran opens his eyes, gazing deeply into your own. “If it’s possible, I’ll make it happen,” he swears, conviction in his voice. You smile in response.

“And if it’s not possible… I’ll make it happen anyway,” you add. Saeran breathes out a soft laugh.

“I believe you,” he replies. He leans in for one last, long kiss, his lips making sure to leave a lasting impression on yours, just in case. When he pulls away and stands from the bed, you pull the blankets tighter around yourself, cold in the wake of his warmth. You watch as Saeran dresses quickly, then crosses the room toward your window, rather than the door. As he’s unlatching it, you call out to him one last time.

“We’ll escape this chaos together.”

He smiles at you over his shoulder, and then he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da! Finally, finally done. Thank you so much to all my discord friends who encouraged me to write and finish this, as well as everyone who commented on the first part! If you've enjoyed this part, please leave a comment here as well! Comments are what feed me the motivation to keep writing :3c


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